My latest project!

Hi muffins. Here it is, my latest attempt to be a journalist. Enjoy!

A handy relationship chart for your edification

Subject	Month 1	Month 3	Month 5
Sprained ankle	“Oh my god, are you ok? What can I do for you?”	“Wow that sucks. I’m sorry.”	“Walk it off”
Making plans	“I am busy until 12, but I will see if I can leave at 11:45. I really want to see you!”	“I’ll call you, but it will be late.”	“Can’t. Busy. Sorry.”
Where to eat	“What do YOU like?”	“That’s fine.”	“How many times do I have to tell you? Tuesday night is pizza night. Jesus.”
His career	“He’s a musician!”	“He waits tables, but he is also in a band.”	“He’s poor.”
Friends	“Can’t wait to meet them! They sound so fun!”	“They are okay, just a little crude.”	“Tell the fat pervert to shut his trap.”
Phones	“I am so sorry I missed your call!”	“Sorry, I think my phone was on silent.”	“No, it works, but CSI was on.”
How was your day?	“Great!”	“Okay. The usual.”	“I’m sorry…were you speaking to me?”

Important Lesson #6746

Never, ever eat a large Indian meal, composed of spicy curry and lentils (plus a host of other items) then go exercise. This is definitely one for the "My Bad Ideas" file. Oh, the nausea! I waited a good forty minutes after eating enough food to feed a moderately-sized village before enthusiastically getting on the elliptical. Apparently, this was not an adequate amount of time. I spent the entire duration of my workout waging holy war with my stomach and making vomit contingency plans. You know exactly the plan I'm talking about, too- the "I-am-going-to- barf-in-this-very-public-place-how-can-I-do-this-discreetly" plan. First, you scope out the locations of all of the trash cans, estimating how much time you have to get to each one. Just in case you have the great misfortune of speedy puke and not-so-speedy legs, you decide on an alternative barfing option (hands, water bottle, etc). It's like that fuzzy piece of gum at the bottom of your bag: you hope you don't have to chew it, but in a pinch, it's there.

In other news, I just spent the last minute trying to adjust the volume on my computer with my tv remote. And when I say minute, I do mean a full 60 seconds were devoted to this endeavor. My mental capacities are clearly quite limited at the moment, so I suppose spring break has arrived just in time.